Did I tell you my back quit hurting? (Not to make it all about me. ; )
I talked about chronic back pain on the other blog, where I also wrote about listening to the body when it screams at us (pain!) in an effort to get our attention.
I distinctly remember when the pain started – three months into the last relationship. (Hello, RED flag!) The pain ebbed/flowed/annoyed me through that relationship, the breakup, living at mom’s (sorry, mom, but you know what I mean), and through starting a new job at an office that was not a good fit.
I knew the back pain was about stress. I thought I could push through with yoga, valerian root, whiskey and walking. Sometimes those things helped, but the pain was still there, waiting to get my attention when I refused to see the stress for what it was.
I started at a new office the beginning of December. Two weeks ago, I noticed my back had quit hurting. I didn’t say anything to the kids because I didn’t want to jinx it. I kept doing the yoga. The holidays gave me an excuse to drink whiskey. (In case you’re wondering, I have never combined whiskey and valerian root, though I’ve been tempted.)
Recently, I lifted a heavy object, as a test. I anticipated a stab. I thought for sure my back would scream at me. And, nothing. No spasm. No twinge. Nothing. I was able to put away the artificial tree without so much as a wince, except I did feel a little guilty about putting Christmas away so early.
I figured I was safe in telling the kids that my back pain was gone. I did, and didn’t jinx anything.
All of this makes me think about resolutions and, conveniently, it’s the time of year when we might take stock in where we are and if we are happy – or at least not miserable – with where we are.
In 55 years, my success rate is abysmal when it comes to resolutions, partly because I rarely make any.
I’m not perfect. I haven’t got it all figured out. But I do a fine job of making myself feel bad without adding failed New Years’ resolutions to the mix.
I prefer to look back over the year and decide which things I will let go of and which things I will hang on to.
I will hang on to noticing when something does not feel right. Whether it’s a conditioner or a brand of coffee, a book that seems too violent in the first 40 pages, an acquaintance that drains more than enriches, or a crappy pair of jeans that I never feel good wearing – I will let go of what isn’t good.
It’s in the noticing that something doesn’t feel right, that I learn to let go.
I will hang on to paying attention to my intuition, and let go of the stuff that does not feel good.
For Will: I plan on letting go of worrying. The worrying feels bad. I’m tired of communicating those worries to the Universe, and to Will. I know he is tired of hearing about it, too. (This one will be difficult, and all you seasoned parents are laughing at me because you’ve told me that, as parents, we are never done worrying.) But, I will stop voicing my worries to him, and I will hang on to letting him know how much I care.
For Jen: I will most definitely hang on to this connection we have, but I will let go when she strives for more independence. Is that even possible? I guess we’ll find out.
For me: I will hang on to trusting myself. I will trust myself to say, “No, thank you,” when something doesn’t feel right. I will trust myself to let go of those things that do not make me wholeheartedly say, “YES!”
Oh, and I will let go of guilt (stop laughing!) and hang on to letting it be about me, once in awhile.
It’s going to be a good year!
Happy New Year!