Or at least try loving yourself more.
I woke in the night with the lyrics from Miley Cyrus’s song, Flowers, running through my head. I can’t explain it. I hear it on the radio when I’m going from here to there. (Side note: I am hesitant to come to terms with the fact that I might get better sleep if I gave up on my one nightly adult beverage. Damn. Can that one drink really be the cause of my colorful dreamlife?) Anyway, Cyrus’s song makes me think of what I was recently telling Jen: If you have to use even one breath to convince him that you are spectacular, he is NOT the guy for you.
Yes. I do know that I’m not an expert on all things having to do with relationships, but I am a romantic, and I do read enough memes to have a vague notion about such things. Memes make us experts, right?
By the way, just because I wrote a couple books about getting out of a narcissistic relationship, and I passionately announced to the Universe that, “I AM GOOD ENOUGH,” that does not mean that I don’t still struggle with getting out of the “lack of self-confidence” groove. Blame it on a long winter, or too much time on my hands, but that groove is deep! This morning, when I woke with those lyrics still nagging me, I got to thinking, “What do I do to love me better?” That’s a weird sentence to type. It feels self-centered. About the time I start thinking something feels self-centered, that’s the time I need to focus on that groove I’ve spent too damn many years trying to jump. (Jesse, accept that the groove no longer serves you – if it ever did – and get the hell out of there!)
IT IS NOT SELF-CENTERED TO LOVE YOURSELF! It is essential!
What do you do to love yourself? Whatever it is, you don’t need to justify it. You don’t need permission. Don’t make excuses. Don’t think your way has to be like another’s way. I’ve noticed that those who denigrate other’s interests are often the most lacking in self-love. I used to be that way. (Honestly, I still fight this.) For example, I’m not a manicure person. But it’s none of my business if that’s what you love – if that’s how you express your love of self. All the amazing ways of expressing self-love make the world a beautiful place. Get the tats, the piercings, the clothes, and the haircuts. Whatever makes you feel alive, do that to express your love.
Buy the flowers. Schedule the nail appointments. Make time for yourself. Take yourself out to lunch. Make time with friends. Have that one nightly cocktail. (Make it a bit smaller, Jesse, or try having it earlier to see if your sleep improves.) Buy the seed packets. Watch your shows on Netflix, even if you have to stay up later to do so because your roommate doesn’t like British mysteries. Find the podcast and go for a longer walk. Write the words in your journal that you don’t have the nerve to say out loud: “I am fabulous.” (You don’t have to yell or write it in all caps, the Universe already knows.)
If, like me, you’re challenged in the financial department, get the cute tchotchke in the clearance aisle at Target. (This bunny!)
Loving yourself does not need to cost anything. I know that’s easier said than done. Right now, a favorite way to love myself is to sit in the sun, in the backyard, with my eyes closed (so I can’t see all the work I need to get done) feeling the warmth and celebrating the end of winter.
Maybe you have a partner who loves you just fine. (Seriously, I hope it’s more than fine, but that’s up to you.) Even with a fantastic, loving partner there is room for you to still love yourself. In fact, it’s imperative. Nothing is permanent. Everything changes. Love yourself through it all.
You might be surprised to find out that many others think you are fabulous, too. Like your cat, or the elderly neighbor lady, or some guy from high school you haven’t seen in 40 years. Trust that there are legions of people who think you are amazing. Don’t spend a minute thinking of those who can’t see your fabulousness. That’s about them. (That’s from a good meme I may have sent to Jen. – Author Unknown.)
Turn loving yourself into a ritual. Have you noticed how some skilled folks turn ritual into habit? Before you know it, loving you will become a habit. I suppose that once it becomes habit, you lose the mindfulness of it, but at least that way you aren’t overthinking it and talking yourself out of loving yourself. (I know my ritual around coffee is a habit – the grinding, the boiling of the water and the pouring. Sometimes I slow down my movements in order to focus on the quiet and the smells and the steam and the process. But how mindful can I be first thing in the morning before that first cup.) Loving you needs to be a habit like brushing your teeth or feeding the cat or drinking that first cup in the morning.
What matters is that you believe in your fabulousness. If it feels weird to love yourself, get over it. Make that your new groove. Remember, the Universe is expansive! There’s room enough for you to love others and yourself. How good would it be if you managed to love yourself as much as you love others? Maybe, by loving ourselves more, we can come to love others more. (I think that’s a meme, too.)