Author: Jesse

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The Sanctuary

You’ve heard of this place, but you want to see for yourself.

You find the door, but you’re not sure that this unmarked door could lead to what you are expecting.  Is this the service entrance?  More than that, the dust-covered door looks like it hasn’t been used in awhile.  The handle hasn’t been turned recently.  The door is set back in the wall of the building, deep enough for a person to hide from oncoming traffic.  Dried leaves and a McDonald’s wrapper have taken refuge in the corner from the wind.  If they don’t take time to clean the entrance, what’s the interior going to be like?

You’re convinced you are at the wrong building, but then you notice a door bell button.  You look over both shoulders, hesitate, and press the button.  You hear the faintest buzz, not the expected sound of a bell.  A quiet voice emits from a speaker you cannot see.  “Solo or communal, please?”  You look over your shoulder before saying, “Solo?”

The door opens almost immediately and your senses are engaged.  First, a waft that is equal parts orange, sage, and eucalyptus, followed by a note of bergamot and, lastly, the distinct, memory-inducing scent of damp soil.  The smells are pleasing and inviting without overpowering.  Your eyes adjust to the darkness and then spot low-lit, amber-colored sconces near the high ceiling, lining a hallway.  Your skin notices warmth, not a dry heat from forced air, but a moist warmth that instantly makes your shoulders relax.  You think you hear the gentle tinkling of bells, or is that some kind of new age music in the background.

You pause to take it all in and your mind briefly wonders if this is going to be too “out there” for you, but your body pulls you over the threshold.

The assistant, who patiently allowed you time to adjust,  hands you a key and points to a wall of mailboxes.  You haven’t seen this kind of mailbox since your mom held your hand to cross the street on the way to the post office.

“Please silence your phone, place it in number 17 and lock it.  Keep the key with you, please.  Don’t worry about remembering which box is yours.  I’ll take care of that.”  After you’ve secured your phone in its own locked box, the attendant says, “This way please.”  She leads you down the panel-lined hallway toward a set of stairs.  It is dark, but not menacingly so.

On your left is a set of double mahogany doors.  You see natural light coming from under the doors, and you hear sounds – music, laughter, conversation.  The sounds are inviting, but that’s not where you want to be today.

The wide staircase is lit with the same sconces.  The stairs lead to a landing.  You turn to the right and climb a second set of stairs.  The carpeted stairs muffle the sound of your footsteps as you follow the attendant.

At the top of the stairs you reach another hallway.  Three closed doors line each side of the hallway.  At the end of the hallway, a demi-moon table holds a lit Tiffany lamp and a wide, shallow wooden bowl filled with polished stones.

You notice the ambient light coming from under each of the six doors.  The light is colored.  A different colored light glows from under each door.

The attendant tells you that the Purple and Green rooms are occupied.  She says, “You may select from the other four doors.”

. . .

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An Ode to Costumes

Here’s to costumes – not just the ones we wear to celebrate Halloween.

From the pink costume someone puts us in to prove to the world that we are, indeed, a baby girl, to the “costume” put on us the day of our funeral, life is full of costume changes.

If we’re lucky, we have a trunk full of costumes when we are a kid.  Even eating a bowl of cereal warrants dressing the part.  A kid in a costume isn’t so much hiding from life, as he is tackling life.  He’s Superman or Spiderman.  She’s Princess Leia or a ballerina.  Life is celebrated, and what better way to do that than by wearing a costume?

The school years start and costumes are mostly relegated to October 31st.  One day out of the year we get to pretend to be someone outrageous.  The rest of the year, we pretend that we have life figured out.

We agonize over the different costumes needed to navigate adulthood.  We need a costume for every reinvention along the way because we are told we must,  “Fake it until we make it.”  A good costume helps with the faking.

Here’s to the costumes we wear to prove we are worthy of coupling.  For some that might be fishnet stockings or thigh-high boots.  (Years ago, the perfect mate wore an apron.)  Later, some of us wore a costume (that he most likely picked out) to prove we were a good enough wife.

Here’s to the costume we wear to show the world – and convince ourselves – that we are a good enough mom.

 

To the heels and business suit we never felt smarter in.

To the running shorts that never made running more enjoyable.

To the yoga pants that became the going-to-the-grocery-store pants.

Here’s to make-up that never makes us look younger, hair-color that never completely hides the gray, and perfume that never adequately disguises our own unique scent of fear.

 

Then, blessedly, we get to the point where we don’t give a damn.  Here’s to the bold costumes we wear to celebrate a certain age and to let everyone else know that we are done faking it in order to fit in.  Whether we proudly wear mom jeans, or leggings underneath billowy skirts, purple hats or black from head to toe, at this age, our costumes say we’ve arrived.  Almost.

These might be my favorite costumes, yet.  Although, I was a witch for Halloween 2 years in a row in junior high.  I wore that well.

 

 

 

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The Land of Pink – 3

Middle School

Think of two words that incite more terror.

Now in middle school, her preoccupations with whether to try out for soccer, keep her markers and draw, or bury herself under the covers and pretend to be sick on Monday morning are replaced with a more consistent obsession with appearance.

Blame it on body changes.  Blame it on pop culture.  Blame it on the way humans are wired.  Whatever you blame it on, there aren’t many humans who skate through life without caring for their appearance.  (Those who tell you they don’t care, dress in a way that makes it clear that they do care.  They dress to make it look like they don’t care.)

Shopping for clothes when we are little is fun.  If our parents let us have a say in what we wear, we pick based on color, or the character on the front of a shirt, or whether it’s itchy or not.

Shopping for clothes in the middle school years is riddled with all the anxiety of choosing a college.  If I buy these jeans, that group won’t let me in.  If I wear these colors, that group won’t accept me.  How do I dress to fit in, but still wear what I like?  Should this shirt be baggier?  Is this top too tight?

 

Boobs.  (Another loaded word.)

Either she has them, or she doesn’t.  Either way, her chest will be noticed.  She can choose to hide them or show them off.  If she hides them, boys will comment that she probably doesn’t have any.  If she shows them off, boys will comment about their size.

What’s a girl to do?

In the beginning, body changes are weird.  Where did this come from?  How come this?  What is going on?

Then, as she starts getting used to the changes, it can be fun to see how clothes fit.  Her walk changes.  She kind of likes the way she looks.

Uh oh.

Is it okay to like her appearance?  How much can she like the way she looks?  Is it a bad thing to like how she looks?  What’s too much?  How many is too many selfies?  Where is that line?  How long will this last?

In a delicate, all-too-brief moment in time, the changes in her appearance make her feel like preening.  She’s a morning glory blossom wanting to smile and dance in the sun.  It’s fun to show off new curves and long legs.  But, she can’t be out in the open long before she gets unwanted glances.

 

Another uh oh…

She’s a polite person.  She smiles when spoken to.  She says, “Thank you,” when the door is held open.  That does not change with the changes in her body.  Politeness coming from this new body gets misread.  Her intentions are the same, but some boys/men read her intentions differently.  She has to learn to rein in her politeness.  She used to be polite to everyone.  Now she has to be on guard and learn to sense a predator.

All too quickly, she’s faced with the realization that it’s safer to hide her beauty.

One day, riding the bus home with friends, she laughs and looks up.  Accidentally, she makes eye contact with the fellow across the aisle.  She smiles because that’s what she does, out of politeness.  But something is different this time.  The hair stands up on the back of her neck.  Something (intuition) tells her to look away.  She wants to warn her friends and tell them that the guy across from them is creepy, but she doesn’t want to be mean.  They reach their stop and exit as a group.  She looks to make sure the guy didn’t follow them.

In the blink of an eye, everything changes.  Forever she will be faced with the choice of celebrating her unique appearance or staying safe.

 

 

To be continued …

 

 

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The Land of Pink – 2

The school environment is exciting and terrifying, all at the same time.  There is so much new to learn.  She gets to experiment!  More importantly, she interacts with people other than her family.  She has (sort of) figured out where she fits in the family dynamic, now she must figure out where she fits, in the school setting.

Quickly, she learns that while being smart is praised at home, being smart gets her a label at school.  “Oh, she’s the teacher’s favorite.”  Certain groups will shun her if she’s too smart.  Even though she may be automatically accepted by the group that values her brains, she knows she’s more than that.  She’s good at other things, too.  She likes to run.  She’s good at drawing, and she loves books.  Does she have to pick only one of her loves to find her tribe?

The athletic group teases her for drawing, “Like a little kid,” so she tucks her markers away.  The brainy kids tease her for hanging with the group that likes soccer.  “Why do you wear those dumb, long red socks?”

Is it enough to be herself?  Why must she hide parts of herself in order to belong to a group?  Slowly, she sees that she is liked more when she displays traits that certain groups prefer, while hiding the parts they belittle.

She draws at home where no one can make fun of her.  If she’s lucky, the brainy kids will never find out that she is trying out for soccer.  She almost hopes she doesn’t make the team.

One school night, while trying to decide what to wear the next day, she hides her long red socks in the back of her drawer.  (A few months later, mom discovers them in the Goodwill pile.  Mom secretly pulls the socks out and hides them in the Keepsake pile.)

At school, if asked, she never reveals her test scores.  She chimes in, with the rest of the class, when they make fun of the one day of the month that they have art class.  Secretly, she wishes they could have art class once a week.

 

The whittling away and the accommodating begin at a tender age.

 

It turns out that going to school requires a lot of “pretending,” and it’s not the fun kind.  She pretends she doesn’t like soccer.  She makes fun of art.  She pretends she doesn’t know the math answers, and refuses to raise her hand.

She gets an upset stomach on most Sunday nights.  Mom notices a pattern (not feeling well on Sunday night), but she’s at a loss for what to do about it.  (Mom has no idea that her amazing daughter is a completely different kid on the playground.)  Her grades are good.  She made the soccer team.  She seems to have lots of friends.

Soon, she starts pretending at home, too.  It’s easier to pretend than try to figure out what’s wrong.  Without her even realizing it, she’s stopped doing some of the things she loves so much.

One day, before she heads out the door to go to school, she gathers up all her markers and puts them in her little sisters room.  Maybe her sister will want them, now that she doesn’t draw any more.

 

To be continued …

 

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The Land of Pink

I almost painted my fingernails yesterday.  They are long right now, and they’d look good with some polish.   I can’t remember the last time I painted them.  I have long, masculine fingers – my grandma’s – and they look better (more feminine?) when my nails are longer, but long nails are a distraction.  They get in the way when typing or gardening, which is a bummer, because my nails are hard and they are nice.  I tried to decide what color.  We don’t have a lot of polish in the house.  Jen has a couple favorite colors – white, gold and another white.  I think.

I was wanting a red or a corral.  I don’t know where this came from.  But then I thought, people will notice because I never paint my nails.  And, ugh, they’ll say something, and I’ll feel the need to defend my choice to paint my nails and why I picked the color I picked, and why I don’t normally paint my nails.

I thought of women who change their hair color or handbag or get a tattoo, and don’t seem to have a care in the world about whether anyone comments, and how freeing that must be.  Or, most likely, they do care, but they don’t let that stop them.

And then I got tired, which reminded me of what it’s like to be in The Land of Pink.

 

Look at that sweet baby girl.  Or is it a boy.  Hard to tell when they are new.  They smell the same.  They act the same.  They cry when they are hungry or they need to be changed.  They cry when they are tired.  That’s pretty much it.

Until well-meaning parents get involved and suddenly gender is projected on to this being that only cares about sleeping and eating and being comfortable.  The Big Ones coo and smile and comment on appearance when they change diapers.  “Oh, your soooo cute.”  Their hearts are in the right place, but Bigs start to treat the girls and boys differently.  They can’t help it.  It’s in their genetic coding.

Baby girls are cute for different reasons than baby boys are.

Baby slowly starts to make a connection between her appearance and the mood of the Bigs.

Babies aren’t dumb.  It doesn’t take them long to connect dots.  Happy Big = more squash.  If I coo or smile at Big, Big is happy, then I get squash.

Before she knows it, she has to be careful about not getting mashed peas on her pretty dress.  She mustn’t get squash in her hair.  She doesn’t care about her hair, she cares about fists full of food.   Pretty soon, though, it takes more than a smile to make Big happy.  Big likes it when we are cute or clean or quiet.  If we do those things, we get more squash.

 

Now she’s old enough to toddle around in the yard.  She’s amazed at where her legs will take her.  She doesn’t care what’s on her legs as long as it isn’t itchy.  This Disney Princess dress is itchy.  She reaches for a fistful of mud and attempts to bring it to her mouth, but a Big tells her, “NO!  Don’t eat that!  That’s icky!  Don’t get that on your pretty dress.”

 

It’s the first day of Kindergarten.  Her tummy feels weird and her new clothes are itchy.  She’s wearing a dress and she’s told that she probably better not go on the slide at the playground because the boys might look up her dress.  Why do boys want to look up her dress?  Whose idea was it to make her wear a dress today, anyway?

She’s no dummy.  She can see that the teacher spends more time with certain kids – the cute ones.   She notices that the cute ones are surrounded by more kids on the playground.  What must she do to be cuter?  She ponders this while sitting at a long, cold table, under florescent lights, eating a peanut butter and jelly that has been cut into quarters.  She can’t wait to get home, get out of this dress and away from this need to be cute.

Years later, she’ll learn that the weird feeling in her tummy is called anxiety.  Anxiety will become her life-long companion.

 

To be continued …

 

By the way, I cut my nails.  It’s just easier, and I’m tired.

 

 

 

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A Mama Bear on the Strawberry Full Moon

Maybe I reacted the way I did because the kids and I spent a stress-filled Saturday trying to negotiate Father’s Day with you-know-who.

Could be I reacted the way I did because work is busy, life is crazy and I’d reached my breaking point.

I might have reacted the way I did because my yard is my sanctuary.  This place is our safe landing.

Whatever the reasons, I was justified!

 

When I get home from the office, I kick off my shoes, get treats for Pansy, check in to see what’s new with Jen, and figure out what we’re going to eat.  This day was no different, or so I thought.

Jen mentioned that she thought she heard someone on the front step.  I suggested that it may have been the mailman.

She said, “Nope.  The mailman was just here.  I heard the sound before.”

“Well maybe your brother stopped by for a cup of coffee, while you were in the shower.”  Except, the coffee corner wasn’t covered in coffee grounds, so that meant he wasn’t here.  I opened the front door to check the mail, and a flyer from a yard spraying company fell to the floor.  I said, “Honey, they must be spraying in the neighborhood, and they’re trying to drum up more business.”

She said, “Oh, I thought I smelled it.  I figured the neighbors were having their yard sprayed today.”

I said, “Let’s close the windows.  I hate that stuff.”

 

The next thing I do, after getting back from the office, and perhaps more importantly for my roommates, is step out into the backyard.  Barefooted.  On purpose.

That’s how I get grounded and shift gears to what is required next.

I might only be out there for 5 minutes, but that’s all it takes.

 

Today I smelled the spray the minute I exited the door.  The basil looked almost dead.  The grass (okay, maybe it’s mostly clover) felt crunchy.  I tried to figure out how things could look so dry, as I’d just watered the night before.  I set up a sprinkler and noticed the leaves on the strawberries were curling.  What the hell?

I walked to the side yard and noticed that my feet felt sticky.  The gate on the west side was wide open.  We keep it secured with a latch hook.  How did Will get that open from the outside?  I called him and he said he hadn’t been over.  I went inside and asked Jen if she’d forgotten to close the gate.  She hadn’t been out there.

Now I’m worried that someone had gone into our backyard.  (It wouldn’t have been the first time, hence the latch hooks.)  I better check to make sure the lawn mower and weed whacker are still in the shed.

I’m starting to feel slightly frantic.

Jen said, “Mom, do you still have the flyer from the spraying company?”  I dug it out of the trash.  It said, “We applied your 2nd treatment today!”  The flyer showed checked boxes that indicated what had been sprayed on our yard.

 

This Mama Bear was livid.

 

I have lived here 13 years.  I’ve been raising kids and cats without chemicals.  Our yard is visited regularly by birds and squirrels, earthworms and bunnies, dandelions and way too many ants, and the occasional gopher.  I have been known to sprinkle diatomaceous earth around the ant holes.  I’ve even resorted to putting a spider bomb in the crawl space.  Once.  (The kids, cat and I camped at the park for the day, to keep our distance from the fumes.)

I HATE ANY KIND OF SPRAY THAT KILLS WEEDS OR BUGS but, of course, spiders are a whole different story.

Now my strawberries, raspberries, basil, chives, tomatoes and everything else have been sprayed with Goddess-knows-what!

On top of that, Jen and I started a bee garden this year.

 

I called the company, which is saying a lot for an INFJ, who hates making phone calls and avoids confrontation.  Their response was, “Oops.  Wrong yard.”

I guess I should be thankful they didn’t charge me?

 

I looked at Jen and said, “Let’s walk up to grandma’s.  I feel the need to vent.”  I was seen stomping the six blocks to grandma’s house.  In case I haven’t mentioned it, I use my hands when I talk.  (I’m a quarter Italian, what can I say?)  Poor Jen had to walk next to me as I flailed my arms, stopped my feet and loudly ranted the entire six blocks.

Jen calmly said, “You know how we were talking about you being a Leo rising, and how they get emotional about things?  You said, ‘Well, that’s not me.'”  I said, I mean, yelled, “Did I say that?!”  She said, “Yes.”  I said, “Well, dammit!  Maybe it’s the full moon, or my Leo rising, or the fact that I feel violated by having someone access my sanctuary and spray poison all over the green and growing things.  Maybe it’s the stressors with your dad over the weekend.  Or it could be that I’m a Mama Bear and it’s my job to protect you and your brother and Pansy and our yard!  Whatever it is, it is What it is!”  Jen said, “You’re right.  It’s okay to get emotional about it.  But, my Aquarius rising makes it hard for me to know what to say to help.”  I said, “You don’t have to say anything, just keep a safe distance when I’m ranting and my arms are flailing about!”

We laughed.

I said, “I’m entitled to feel this way.”

She said, “You are.”

 

 

 

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Love Like That

On the eve of Mother’s Day, I was standing at the kitchen sink finishing the dinner dishes.  (Appropriate?)  I looked out the window, and in the setting sun I could just barely see a small grayish blob on the grass.  When I realized it was a baby bird, I called for Jen.  We immediately went into nurture mode.  “Should we move it to the backyard where it will be safer?”  “Will it need water?”  “Maybe we shouldn’t move it.  We don’t want to startle it.”  “Yeah, and the mom might not find it.”

We brought out a jar lid filled with water.  (Initially, we’d grabbed a small dish, but Jen was afraid the wee bird wouldn’t be big enough to scale the side of the dish.)  We didn’t approach too closely.   We could be heard “oohing” and “ahhing” at the sweet little blob of feathers with the seemingly too large beak.

We went back inside so as not to scare it.  We stood side by side at the kitchen window and kept vigil.  I worried (because that’s what moms do) about neighbor cats and squirrels.  (Would squirrels go after our wee blob?  When did it become ours?)

Just then, we saw a robin (either a mom or a dad, as both feed their babies, and I can’t tell the difference in robins) swoop in and feed the baby.  Jen and I hugged each other and exclaimed at the sweetness.    We stood and watched as it got darker and harder to see.  The baby wobbled across the grass and approached the fence.  Would the mom/dad be able to find it?  Clearly, it had been in a hurry to leave the nest (reminds me of someone I know), as it only seemed able to wobble, not hop or fly.

We were relieved to see that wherever that baby went, the mom or dad could find it and feed it.

The baby was still snuggled next to the fence post when we turned off the lights and went to bed.

 

(The day before, Jen and I had delivered a batch of groceries to the house where Will is living.  There are six of them – young, working, testing their wings, and struggling between paychecks.  They live on mac and cheese and grilled cheese sandwiches and too much coffee.  My momness was in overdrive, and I needed to fill their fridge with other options.)

 

This morning, I found the baby had made it to the other side of the driveway.  I could follow the trail of droppings and see the gray blob from the kitchen window.  I went out, in robe and bare feet (which reminded me that back in February, barefoot season seemed so very far away), to see if it was alive and well.  It’s a wonder that those little hearts can beat so fast.  That tiny thing breathes so quickly.  It was fine.  My mom brain went to, “Oh, you must have been cold last night?  Weren’t you afraid?  Have you eaten?”

I went back inside to assume my position at the sink.  Jen still sleeps and doesn’t know, yet, that the baby is fine.  I can’t wait to tell her.  Just then, I saw one of the parents bring breakfast.

 

Thank you to all who love like that.  You make the world go ’round.

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The Forest

The above is on my kitchen door, the door we use for leaving the peace of home and entering the rest of the world.  We go through this door heading to the office, taking Jen ice skating, or getting groceries, which is a whole different thing, now that Will doesn’t live here.  Often I’m in a hurry and don’t stop to read the quote.

I’m not evolved like Ram Dass.

I wish.

I let people irritate the hell out of me, which is clearly about me, not them.

 

When the guy at the office comes into my space, sighs heavily and tells me how much he hates working with women and all the reasons why, I don’t remember to think of him as a tree.  I think of him as a typical privileged Boomer male who doesn’t have the sense to realize that he’s complaining about women to a woman.  Evolved me might think of him as a Russian olive, that crowds out other trees and steals their nutrients.

(There’s a Russian olive in the park across the street.  It’s pretty from a distance.  All the dogs, that explore the park, stop for relief at the base of it.)

 

A driver honked at us the other evening, when Jen was practice-driving a steeply curved stretch along the river.  She freaked but maintained her speed.  I refrained from turning around to give him my classic stink eye.  It’s going to take a lot of practice to call a guy like that a cottonwood, instead of the impatient pain that he clearly is.

 

Evolved me knows the woman at the grocery, who barked at me for not using hand sanitizer before touching the shopping cart, is a thorny honey locust.  She most likely has good reasons for being a germophobe.  Unevolved me thinks she’s a loud busy body with too much time on her hands.

 

Jen is on a committee planning a fundraiser for an animal shelter, where she volunteers.  She’s getting a fine education in the dynamics of clashing personality types.  She sees the ones who say they do all the work and don’t, the ones who actually do the work and don’t seek credit,  the drama queens and the servants.  She sees folks who want to control, folks who are willing to be controlled, and folks who don’t even want to be there, but have to, for whatever reason.  When she gets home and vents about her meetings, we end the conversations by one of us saying, “Trees!  They are all a bunch of different trees.”  That, and we also marvel at how much could be handled with emails versus committee meetings.

 

We are trying to see people as trees.  Our hearts are in the right place, but trees aren’t nearly as annoying as people.

I’d broaden the approach to include plants:  poison ivy, bella donna and hemlock, to name a few.  Did I mention that I’m not as evolved as Dass?

 

When I’m in my own back yard, trimming raspberries, raking under the lilacs and watching for perennials to poke through, it’s easy to be kind, have my heart in the right place, and see people as trees.  There aren’t any Russian olives in my backyard.  We’ve no poison ivy or belladonna either, but we do have a lovely bed of lily of the valley on the shady side, which is proof that we can be around toxicity, but we’d be wise to keep our distance.

Like trees and plants, some people clearly didn’t get enough light when they were seedlings.  Some are still bent from ever-present high winds.  Some were pruned so much you can’t recognize their true nature.  It’s not their fault.  They’re just trees.

It’s good for me to remember that I’m a tree, too.   I can be prickly like a honey locust, especially when crowded by an impatient driver.  I know the areas of myself that could benefit from a little more light.

When I can’t see the forest for the trees, I head to the garden and admire the lily of the valley, from a distance.

 

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“You’re Difficult To Live With”

“What did you say?”  She must have misunderstood.  The house was clean, she’d paid down some of his bills, and dinner was about to be served.  What more could she be doing?

They’d been sitting, sipping whiskey, waiting for the timer to let them know that the lasagna would be ready.   This moment before dinner was when they discussed the day, the schedule, projects and weekend plans.

“You’re difficult to live with.”

He repeated the words and there it was, that taste in the mouth she got whenever she was about to vomit.

She swallowed hard to keep from throwing up and proceeded to defend herself.  She gave examples of how she wasn’t difficult.  “See?  I do this for you.  I’ve done that for you.  I try to keep my feelings to myself, for you.  I know your job is hard and I try not to burden you with my stuff when you get home.  I’m anything but difficult.”

He said, “It’s okay that you are difficult.  I love you anyway.  I know how to handle you.”

 

The taste in her mouth did not go away.

 

Her first thought was, maybe he’s right.  She wondered if it was true that she was difficult.  Could she be nicer?  Could she be less of an inconvenience?  Could she facilitate better without needing anything from him?  Could she contort herself in a way that would make her invisible, or at least less difficult?

She thought back over instances, in other relationships, when her just being in the same room would elicit a heavy, irritated sigh from the other.  She was no stranger to feeling like an inconvenience.  She’d had to defend herself before, or at least she thought she had to.

 

The timer rang.  She walked out of the room to pull the lasagna out of the oven and let the kids know that dinner would be ready soon.  She tried to keep from crying.  The last thing she wanted was food.  As she set the table, the need to vomit was replaced with fear.  How could she stay here?  Where would she go?  How could she have dragged her kids into this mess?

Should she stay?  He did say he still loved her.  Who else could possibly love her, if she was so difficult to live with.

She faked small talk during dinner.  After dishes, the four of them watched a show that he selected.  While she stared at the TV, her mind raced with what to do.

Later, in the dark, under the covers, shaking and trying to take a deep breath to steady her voice, she rolled over and said, “I need to tell you that it really hurt my feelings when you told me that I’m difficult to live with.”

He said, “Do we have to do this now?  I have to be to work early.  You know that.”

She rolled back to her side and tried to stay as quiet as humanly possible.

 

The next evening, he returned home to whiskey poured, and dinner in the oven.  She tried to bring up the subject.  He dismissed her, saying he’d had a long day.

Over the next week, she made several more attempts to get clarification from him.  He would continue to dismiss her, or justify his words.

That taste in her mouth was there more than not.  The fear prevented sleep.  The more she tried to understand, the less she was able to breathe.

 

Within the month, she and the kids would pack their things and move.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Random Thoughts In No Particular Order

I love being here.  I miss being here.  I’m too busy to be here.

I spend as many moments as I can with Jenny because, well …

I’m not going to type that.

 

Will, as some of you know, has moved out.  I don’t hear from him every day, but I do hear from him most days.  I’m trying hard not to intrude.  The other night, Jen and I were watching something on Netflix – most likely, Tidying Up – and he texted.  He asked how we were doing.  Of course I panicked.  “Something must be wrong.  It’s Friday night!  How come he’s texting?”  Turns out he’d just gotten home from a shift and realized he hadn’t heard from us in a couple days, so he texted – just to say hi.

Back when things were bumpier with Will, or I might say, back in 2018, I prayed for those kinds of texts.

And here they are.

Note to self:  This is a good thing.

 

Oh, and the three of us plan to ski together on Friday.  Yay, me!!

 

Where was I?

 

Oh.  So I’m not on this spot as much as I used to be, or as much as I would like to be.  Priorities, you know.

Priorities include spending every available moment with Jen; homeschool; the job; and the ritualistic chores necessary for survival.

And if you haven’t made some of your chores ritualistic, by now, you really ought to.  If we’re going to be spending these many hours folding laundry, doing dishes, sweeping and shoveling snow, we ought to be elevating these duties to the heights reserved for deities.

Say grateful words while hand-grinding coffee beans in the wee hours.  Breathe in the smell let off as you turn the crank.  Hope for all the good things that caffeine allows you to accomplish.

Pay respects to the deciduous trees while shoveling the snow that covers their roots.  Promise you’ll gladly greet their new leaves in the spring.  Think happy thoughts about how many winters you’ve survived, and how shoveling is the best gym membership you never have to pay for.

Acknowledge the washing machine and thank it for making your job easier.  You don’t have to run to the creek to scrape your clothes against a rock.  We’ve got it easy.  You don’t really need all those clothes, anyway.

Appreciate the stacks of clean plates and the many meals they’ve served and the many more to come.  Enjoy moments in the kitchen teaching your kids how to chop onion while laughing at the tears and saving the fingers.

Thank the fire in the wood stove for keeping your little family warm on these cold nights.  Be grateful for the warmth and the work that comes with keeping the fire stoked.

 

I digress.

Again.

 

I started to say something about how I’m not really so busy that I can’t be writing here more.  (I mean, if I’ve got time for Netflix.)

The scribbled notes of post ideas will keep me writing long after Jen has ventured off and (hopefully) circled back around.  Potential post titles include:  In Defense of Cat Ladies, When I Was Mad At The World, and Reflections From a Wallflower.

I’ll get to them.

There will be time to write all those ideas.  For that, I am grateful.

 

In the meantime, Jen and I painted the back bedroom.  It was originally mine when we first moved here.  Then, after the Debacle, Will took it over.  He’s bigger than I am and he needed more space.  I waited to make sure he was really not coming back, before reclaiming it.  I even offered it to Jen.  She’s happy with her cozy room, so we textured and painted my old room, together.  (That reminds me of another blog post I came up with while spreading joint compound on the walls:  How to Texture Walls or How to Love Your Life, which is less about texturing walls and more about loving your life with all its weird, beautiful texture including the occasional debacle.)

 

On another note:  I don’t know how many folks even stop by here anymore.

(Hi, Lynn! Love you!)

I used to check blog stats all the time – to see if anyone was reading.  I think I believed there was no point in writing, if no one was reading.  I remember thinking that I had to write to help others in order to justify the blog.  Now I can’t even remember the password to the site for checking the stats.  That doesn’t mean that I don’t care if others find comfort in these words.

(Thank you for writing to tell me that you’ve found comfort!)

The real issue is that I learned to help myself.

That’s what I want for my kids.  That’s what this journey is all about.  (Gawd, is there another word besides that poor, over-used word?  If I had a dollar for every time I said the word journey, I could have paid to have the bedroom painted!  But I wouldn’t have, because Jen and I have so much fun working on those projects together.)

Anyway, when we help ourselves, we start the ripple effect.  We make the world a better place in our own back yard, and it definitely, without a doubt, positively impacts others, as well.

So, I’m “staying in my lane, bro!” as that annoying but funny tattoo artist in the commercial says.  I’m staying in my lane, working on my own stuff, improving the texture in my tiny corner, and hoping that some of that improves your little corner, too.

Thank you for stopping by.