The school environment is exciting and terrifying, all at the same time. There is so much new to learn. She gets to experiment! More importantly, she interacts with people other than her family. She has (sort of) figured out where she fits in the family dynamic, now she must figure out where she fits, in the school setting.
Quickly, she learns that while being smart is praised at home, being smart gets her a label at school. “Oh, she’s the teacher’s favorite.” Certain groups will shun her if she’s too smart. Even though she may be automatically accepted by the group that values her brains, she knows she’s more than that. She’s good at other things, too. She likes to run. She’s good at drawing, and she loves books. Does she have to pick only one of her loves to find her tribe?
The athletic group teases her for drawing, “Like a little kid,” so she tucks her markers away. The brainy kids tease her for hanging with the group that likes soccer. “Why do you wear those dumb, long red socks?”
Is it enough to be herself? Why must she hide parts of herself in order to belong to a group? Slowly, she sees that she is liked more when she displays traits that certain groups prefer, while hiding the parts they belittle.
She draws at home where no one can make fun of her. If she’s lucky, the brainy kids will never find out that she is trying out for soccer. She almost hopes she doesn’t make the team.
One school night, while trying to decide what to wear the next day, she hides her long red socks in the back of her drawer. (A few months later, mom discovers them in the Goodwill pile. Mom secretly pulls the socks out and hides them in the Keepsake pile.)
At school, if asked, she never reveals her test scores. She chimes in, with the rest of the class, when they make fun of the one day of the month that they have art class. Secretly, she wishes they could have art class once a week.
The whittling away and the accommodating begin at a tender age.
It turns out that going to school requires a lot of “pretending,” and it’s not the fun kind. She pretends she doesn’t like soccer. She makes fun of art. She pretends she doesn’t know the math answers, and refuses to raise her hand.
She gets an upset stomach on most Sunday nights. Mom notices a pattern (not feeling well on Sunday night), but she’s at a loss for what to do about it. (Mom has no idea that her amazing daughter is a completely different kid on the playground.) Her grades are good. She made the soccer team. She seems to have lots of friends.
Soon, she starts pretending at home, too. It’s easier to pretend than try to figure out what’s wrong. Without her even realizing it, she’s stopped doing some of the things she loves so much.
One day, before she heads out the door to go to school, she gathers up all her markers and puts them in her little sisters room. Maybe her sister will want them, now that she doesn’t draw any more.
To be continued …